Woman Replaces Phone Because it is Undateable

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Why have a relationship with an actual human when the latest phone has so many more benefits?


TAMPA BAY, FL- After the newest iPhone 6 model hit stores last month, customers are lining up at the Apple store in an attempt to replace his or her current relationship with more compatible technology.

Shelly Thompson, Tampa Bay local and phone enthusiast, went into the Apple store to replace her old iPhone 5 with the iPhone 6 last Monday.

Thompson claims that her previous relationship with her iPhone 5, Steven, started out with the typical honeymoon dating jitters and even bloomed into a romantic connection with each other. They appeared to be in love.

However, that love did not last for long. “I think the reason I stopped loving Steven was because he wasn’t ambitious enough. Yes he had dreams of having a better camera, good quality, and a faster wifi connection speed, but it wasn’t good enough. I need someone who is strong and knows what he wants-he was just undateable.”

Thompson reaches over and strokes her new iPhone 6 screen. “This is Shane. He has so much more to offer.” The iPhone 6 does have more capabilities than the prior versions due to its better resolution, more improved camera, and durability. “He is also so much bigger than my prior relationships and has a longer battery life if you know what I mean,” she said giggling.

Not all phones have been impressive as her newest model. Thompson has had many relationships over the years. She hasn’t been single since November 2004 when she started seeing her Silver Motorola Razr.

“Oh he was so handsome and he was my first,” She recalled, “His name was Frank. He was so skinny and blunt! He really was a good first relationship because both of us were new to this dating game and he really helped me open up to technology.”

She broke it off though after the release of the LG enV in 2006 because the enV had a full keyboard. “I really appreciated all Frank did for me when we were dating, but it just wasn’t enough. He could never make me laugh or distract me when I was sad.”

The enV, Chad, wasn’t much of a step-up according to Thompson who bought the original iPhone in 2007. She had a few other phones after that, none of which truly listened to her or that she could be her self around.

It wasn’t until the iPhone 4S than Thompson began to realize how much her relationship with others had to offer. This was the first phone that enjoyed having conversations.

Thompson said, “He just spoke to more than the others. I truly thought this relationship was going to work because we seemed to build a solid foundation of communication and we even finished each other’s sentences! But sadly he died.”

Thompson’s phone tragically broke down after being dropped in water and the Apple medics were unable to recover any of the data. Thompson sniffled as she told her account and still recalls that heartbreakingly short yet stimulating relationship the two had together.

Two days later Thompson went out and bought a new phone.

Technology doesn’t stop for anything according to Tim Cook, Apple Inc. CEO, when he expressed the details of how the company is constantly trying to make a more compatible phone for the user. He says, “Essentially we want to make the user experience of a phone so emotionally consuming that the need for physical interaction with humans becomes obsolete.” For users such as Thompson this is revolutionary.

The technology that Apple has unleashed to the world has resulted in higher phone usage. According to their statistics, the amount of people who walk with his or her phone while texting has increased 150%. Hospital visit from minor injuries due to walking into things have also risen.

“Technology is a double edged sword.” Cook adds. “It is a great form of communication with a device that mimics your own feelings and distracts the user so they feel instantly gratified. On the other hand the only other problem with it is minor injury. We are working on an app to fix this dilemma.”

Cook, like many of phone users, is excited that new phones with new technology are continually evolving. 

“We are pleased to announce that we are working on a new phone,” says Cook. It takes the need for human to human interaction out entirely of day-to-day activities.”

The fact that Apple is officially creating a line that understands human-to-phone connections are the wave of the future and has allowed the public to really open their eyes and embrace this form of interaction.

Thompson’s iPhone vibrates in her hand to signal that she has an incoming text message. It is Susan, one of Thompson’s friends from college. Thompson said, “I haven’t seen Susan in ages! Because Shane is here I just text Susan and have no need to actually see her in person!”

When actual human connection ceases to exist, the phone will be seen be in every person’s hand, consuming the attention of the human mind at every hour of the day. But there is no need to worry because your human friends who really do care about your health and wellbeing are only one short text message away.onion_logo_3x2